Mere days after the burning wreckage known as Halloween II opened, yet another sequel to the why-was-this-rekindled? franchise was announced (surprise surprise), this one entering that magical third dimension, becoming a member of the elite club that includes such hits as Amityville 3-D and Jaws 3-D. That’s right, Halloween 3-D will be blowing our minds and probably sending a few of us in grand mal seizures next Summer. But I digress.
This past Friday I wasted $7.50 to see the abortion that was Rob Zombie’s Halloween II. Now, I could write a 25 page dissertation on how awful this movie was, but I’ll sum it up with this: Last year when Zombie was quoted as saying he was “glad to be done with Halloween, freed from the pressure of making it” and that his sequel didn’t have to “retain any ‘John Carpenter-ness’”, and that he would do “whatever [he] wants to do”, he wasn’t fucking kidding. He did what he wanted to do: make a heap of shit. Congrats, everyone’s real proud of you. You know, for being the horror-nut he appears to be, steeped in the knowledge of the genre, he really fucked up. He took every bad cliche, every predictable device and overkilled them. I’ve always said if you’re going to remake a horror film, just remake the horror film. But if you’re going to start inventing plotlines, characters, locations, etc. just make a different movie entirely. Zombie’s Halloween II retains only one element of the original: a guy named Michael Myers. That’s it, no kidding.
Cementing his place in Schlockville and solidifying the fact that he is a one-trick pony, Zombie has signed on to write/produce/direct a remake of The Blob (which, by the way, was already remade, and awesome at that, in 1988 by Chuck Russell [The Mask] and Frank Darabont [Shawshank Redemption]). To make matters worse, he was quoted as saying, “my intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change.” Did you just hear that noise, Rob? That was a million palms slapping foreheads. I really don’t know where Zombie lost it. After The Devil’s Rejects, he was working on another original piece entitled Tyrannosaurus Rex, concept art below. Will we ever see that film be made? Perhaps after Zombie is done directing a remake of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.