Halloween II/III and Other Shit.

September 2, 2009

Everything

Mere days after the burning wreckage known as Halloween II opened, yet another sequel to the why-was-this-rekindled? franchise was announced (surprise surprise), this one entering that magical third dimension, becoming a member of the elite club that includes such hits as Amityville 3-D and Jaws 3-D.  That’s right, Halloween 3-D will be blowing our minds and probably sending a few of us in grand mal seizures next Summer.  But I digress.

This past Friday I wasted $7.50 to see the abortion that was Rob Zombie’s Halloween II.  Now, I could write a 25 page dissertation on how awful this movie was, but I’ll sum it up with this: Last year when Zombie was quoted as saying he was “glad to be done with Halloween, freed from the pressure of making it” and that his sequel didn’t have to “retain any ‘John Carpenter-ness’”, and that he would do “whatever [he] wants to do”, he wasn’t fucking kidding.  He did what he wanted to do: make a heap of shit.  Congrats, everyone’s real proud of you.  You know, for being the horror-nut he appears to be, steeped in the knowledge of the genre, he really fucked up.  He took every bad cliche, every predictable device and overkilled them.  I’ve always said if you’re going to remake a horror film, just remake the horror film.  But if you’re going to start inventing plotlines, characters, locations, etc. just make a different movie entirely.  Zombie’s Halloween II retains only one element of the original: a guy named Michael Myers.  That’s it, no kidding.

Cementing his place in Schlockville and solidifying the fact that he is a one-trick pony, Zombie has signed on to write/produce/direct a remake of The Blob (which, by the way, was already remade, and awesome at that, in 1988 by Chuck Russell [The Mask] and Frank Darabont [Shawshank Redemption]).  To make matters worse, he was quoted as saying, “my intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change.”  Did you just hear that noise, Rob?  That was a million palms slapping foreheads.  I really don’t know where Zombie lost it.  After The Devil’s Rejects, he was working on another original piece entitled Tyrannosaurus Rex, concept art below.  Will we ever see that film be made?  Perhaps after Zombie is done directing a remake of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

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    3 Responses to “Halloween II/III and Other Shit.”

    1. Mike Says:

      From what I hear, Zombie will not be directing the 3rd Halloween movie…but of course that could change. I kinda enjoyed the first and will still probalby see the 2nd no matter how bad it is.

    2. Dr. Jose Gallimore Says:

      He isn’t gonna be directing it; his next project is The Blob. Dimension said they had a director for Halloween 3-D, one who was “familiar in the genre” and “ready to take the franchise in a new direction”. New direction? You guys need a fucking map at this point because you’re completely lost. If this fucking franchise goes in anymore “new directions”, it’s going to become a musical. It’s a rough trade because I was born and bred a gorehound, and I feel that if I turn my back on any one movie, especially a series I grew up on with a villain that I hold near and dear to me, it’ll make me a Judas. Because of greedy production companies, greedy directors, and shit-for-brains test audiences, awful movies like H2 (and their immediate awful sequels) get the greenlight in spite of their demographic. And due to that sad fact, I just might have to be more choosy when picking my horror films (even if they are fucking guilty pleasures – isn’t that a reason the genre has survived as long as it has?)

      And Mike, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Halloween II is shit to the 3rd power.

    3. Mike Says:

      Yeah I’m well aware of how bad it’s probably gonna be, but what can I say I’m a sucker for Zombies work.
      As for the blob, that’s a whole other story. Not having a big “blob” as your monster really doesn’t make sense. But at least his cartoon El Superbeasto is coming out this year and maybe he’ll go back to making movies about his own characters.

      Maybe I’ll just creep myself out by watching Sleepaway camp again instead.